joke of the day

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bluebirdsback
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Re: joke of the day

Post by bluebirdsback » Sun Sep 19, 2010 11:18 pm

Englishman Scotsman and Irishman walks into a pub. The barman said "is this some kind of a joke"
Yes ok i know its rubbish but if i were to put my good ones on our moderater would have a full time job.
The moment you make something idiot proof a new breed of idiots will come along and prove you wrong

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Andrew453
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Location: Dundee, Scotland

Re: joke of the day

Post by Andrew453 » Mon Sep 20, 2010 12:13 am

Man staggers into hospital with concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Doctor asks, 'What happened to you?'

'Well, I was having a round of golf with the wife when we both sliced our balls into a field of cattle. We went to look for them and I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.'

'I lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with the wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's arse.

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!''

'I don't remember much after that'

tas
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Location: Sarf East London

Re: joke of the day

Post by tas » Mon Sep 20, 2010 6:12 pm

How do you get a Granny to swear?

Get another one to shout 'Bingo'.
"He who goes to bed with an itchy bum, wakes up with a smelly finger"

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klingon
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Location: Paisley Scotland

Re: joke of the day

Post by klingon » Mon Sep 20, 2010 9:10 pm

Star Trek joke-Why is Uhura brown?
William Shatner.-
"I hate two faced people-don't know which face to punch first!"

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bluebirdsback
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Re: joke of the day

Post by bluebirdsback » Mon Sep 20, 2010 9:27 pm

Little irish lad sat crying in the street. Whats up?asks a passer by. My Mam has just died replied the boy. Shall i fetch Father Murphy for you asks the passer by. No thank you said the boy, Sex is the last thing on my mind at the moment.

Or my favourite clean one.

Paddy goes to the Antiques Road show with a large parcel under his arm.
What have we here Paddy asks the expert.
Not sure said Paddy i found it in the loft and wondered if it was worth anything.
Expert opens the parcel and said not realy Paddy ... its your hot water tank.
The moment you make something idiot proof a new breed of idiots will come along and prove you wrong

Jordangbr
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Location: Barrow-in-Vegas

Re: joke of the day

Post by Jordangbr » Mon Sep 20, 2010 9:47 pm

Apparently Jeremy Beadle had a small willy.
On the other hand it's massive!
Bangers!
You must have known I was coming!

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bluebirdsback
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Re: joke of the day

Post by bluebirdsback » Mon Sep 20, 2010 10:43 pm

Man joins a monestry of silent monks, He is told he can say 3 words a year.
First year passes and he is called in to see the head monk for his 3 words.

Bed too hard" he said. Head monk told him it would be sorted and off he went.

Year later he is in again. food always cold" again he was told it would be sorted and off he went.

3rd year he went in and said, want to leave"
Head monk said, Thank christ for that. you've done nowt but moan since you got here
The moment you make something idiot proof a new breed of idiots will come along and prove you wrong

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Renegadenemo
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Re: joke of the day

Post by Renegadenemo » Tue Sep 21, 2010 10:07 am

Then there's the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac who stayed up all night to see whether there really is a dog...
I'm only a plumber from Cannock...

"As to reward, my profession is its own reward;" Sherlock Holmes.

'Sometimes you gotta be an S.O.B if you wanna make a dream reality' Mark Knopfler

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rob565uk
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Location: St Helens, Merseyside

Re: joke of the day

Post by rob565uk » Tue Sep 21, 2010 4:15 pm

That reminds me of the late, great (and often inebriated) Oliver Reed's definition of the perfect Wife: A deaf and dumb nymphomaniac whose Father owns a Pub........

1 in 10 people understands binary. The other one doesn't

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Pullman99
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Location: New Forest, Hampshire

Re: joke of the day

Post by Pullman99 » Tue Sep 21, 2010 10:05 pm

Renegadenemo wrote:Then there's the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac who stayed up all night to see whether there really is a dog...
As reported on another Forum, Jasper Carrott once made a joke about dyslexia. "You should have seen the letters I got", he commented.

He also made a joke about Alzheimer's. "You should have seen the envelopes I got".
Ian Robinson
Bluebird K7 - the restoration project of the Century.

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