joke of the day

Post Reply
User avatar
klingon
Posts: 644
Joined: Fri Feb 27, 2009 8:22 pm
Location: Paisley Scotland

Re: joke of the day

Post by klingon » Tue Sep 21, 2010 11:33 pm

Dyslexic devil worshipper-sold his soul to Santa :twisted:
Colour blind song-"Grey and grey and grey and grey-grey and grey and grey-I can sing a rainbow---" :D
"I hate two faced people-don't know which face to punch first!"

User avatar
bluebirdsback
Posts: 453
Joined: Thu Dec 18, 2008 11:45 pm

Re: joke of the day

Post by bluebirdsback » Wed Sep 22, 2010 12:09 am

Rusian American and British Admirals on a ship arguing whos sailors are the bravest.
Rusian sailor comes along deck and is stopped by his admiral. Sailor i want you to jump over board, swim around the ship and climb back aboard. Sailor does this, his admiral brags, how brave was that?

American sailor comes along and is stoped by his admiral. Sailor i want you to jump over board swim under the ship then climb back on board. he does this and the American brags, That was much braver.

Little geordie came walking down the deck and is stopped by his admiral, sailor i want you to jump over board, swim round the ship then swim under the ship and climb back on board. Haddaway and shite said little geordie and carried on walking.

See said the British admiral, none of your lads would dare say that.
The moment you make something idiot proof a new breed of idiots will come along and prove you wrong

User avatar
rob565uk
Posts: 824
Joined: Wed Feb 04, 2009 2:02 pm
Location: St Helens, Merseyside

Re: joke of the day

Post by rob565uk » Wed Sep 22, 2010 10:06 am

Three soldiers in hospital were receiving a morale-boosting visit form the General who asked the first the first what was wrong with him "Terrible case of Piles, Sir". The General asked what treatment he was getting "Wire brush and Dettol every 8 hours Sir" The General then asked what the soldier most wanted "To recover quickly and get back on the front line Sir". The General nodded his approval and moved on to the second soldier and asked him what was wrong "Bad case of crabs Sir". When asked what treatment he was getting he replied "Wire brush and Dettol every 8 hours Sir". This soldier's greatest wish was also to recover quickly and get back on the front line. The General then asked the third soldier what was wrong "Sore throat Sir" was the hoarse reply. When asked about treatment, the reply was "Wire brush and Dettol every 8 hours Sir" When the General asked what this soldier most wanted, the reply was "To get the wire brush and Dettol before the other two Sir"

1 in 10 people understands binary. The other one doesn't

orgster1

Re: joke of the day

Post by orgster1 » Wed Sep 22, 2010 3:02 pm

Man walking along a beach when he spots a very old looking bottle sticking out of the sand. He pulls it out and rubs the sand off it and all of a sudden a genie pops out. The genie thanks him for releasing him and then offers him one wish. The guy says hang on I thought I had 3 wishes? No that’s a myth says the genie and you only get one so think before you ask. OK says the man I want a motorway from here to Australia so I can drive over to see my family as I hate flying. The genie says have any idea of the huge logistical challenge involved in me building that! Surely you have another wish? Ok says the guy the reason I am out walking is because I had a tremendous row with my wife and hence I found the bottle. So my wish is for you to explain the workings of a woman’s mind then perhaps the wife and me can stop arguing all the time. The genie thinks for a moment then says! How many lanes do you want on that motorway?

jonwrightk7
Posts: 376
Joined: Fri Dec 05, 2008 8:53 pm
Location: sandbach cheshire

Re: joke of the day

Post by jonwrightk7 » Wed Sep 22, 2010 9:36 pm

every now and then, i crack one off over the ex girlfriend. well; she is a heavy sleeper, and i still have the keys to her flat... :twisted:
The world is full of Kings and Queens; who blind your eyes, then steal your dreams..

User avatar
bluebirdsback
Posts: 453
Joined: Thu Dec 18, 2008 11:45 pm

Re: joke of the day

Post by bluebirdsback » Wed Sep 22, 2010 10:10 pm

Man walks into a bar where the entertaiment is a foot high man playing a tiny piano.

How did you get such a great act? He asked the barman.

It was like this said the barman, I found a magic lamp and was granted one wish. But as my luck would have it the genie was a little deaf.
The moment you make something idiot proof a new breed of idiots will come along and prove you wrong

User avatar
bluebirdsback
Posts: 453
Joined: Thu Dec 18, 2008 11:45 pm

Re: joke of the day

Post by bluebirdsback » Wed Sep 22, 2010 10:23 pm

Father Murphy was in church and happened to hear one of his choir boys in prayer.

Please god can i have a bike, he prayed.

Father murphy scolded the boy and told him god was there to forgive sins and not to issue personal gifts.

So the boy went out, stole a bike then prayed for forgiveness.
The moment you make something idiot proof a new breed of idiots will come along and prove you wrong

User avatar
bluebirdsback
Posts: 453
Joined: Thu Dec 18, 2008 11:45 pm

Re: joke of the day

Post by bluebirdsback » Wed Sep 22, 2010 10:49 pm

Sorry darling but if i agree with you there we would both be wrong.
A 12 inch pianist makes me feel quite on the tall side, and even if the genie had heard him right i would still feel well endowed in comparison. On top of which i have a 12" tongue and can breathe through my ears. So dont you worry your sweet little head about my sex god status. Your little stud muffin still awaits .

I had better put a joke on now as this is the joke page.

Q. How does a sex god keep a hot lady in suspense?

A. I will tell you later
The moment you make something idiot proof a new breed of idiots will come along and prove you wrong

User avatar
klingon
Posts: 644
Joined: Fri Feb 27, 2009 8:22 pm
Location: Paisley Scotland

Re: joke of the day

Post by klingon » Wed Sep 22, 2010 11:22 pm

Guys wife walks into the bedroom wearing stockings and sussies and carrying a rope-"you can tie me up and do anything you want " she says-so he did- and went out for a bevvy and a curry!
"I hate two faced people-don't know which face to punch first!"

orgster1

Re: joke of the day

Post by orgster1 » Thu Sep 23, 2010 12:14 am

Guy in the confession box at church. Forgive me father for I have sinned, Father asks and what was your sin my son. Well father the other day I caught the wife bending over the freezer looking for something when this animal instinct took over and I couldn’t resist father and the deed was done there and then. But now I feel ashamed and embarrassed and I fear the lord will ban me from heaven. The priest laughed and said, I’m sure god is a lot more broad minded than you give him credit for and I’m more than sure he’s not going to ban you from heaven for that. Thank god for that says the guy because they banned me from Sainsbury’s for six months

Post Reply