joke of the day

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Piston Broke
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Re: joke of the day

Post by Piston Broke »

The International Council of Man Laws


1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(B) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed
and eaten by his friends.

4: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits
forever unless you actually marry her.

5: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden.
However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

6: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another
man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional.
At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's
choice.

7: In the mini-bus, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the
weakest.

8: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask
the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

9: You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to
climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent
entertainment (commonly known as a Dutch oven), she's officially your
girlfriend.

10: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're
sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model and
only when it's free.

11: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to
kick another guy in the nuts.

12: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

13: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

14: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

15: Women who claim they 'love to watch sports' must be treated as spies
until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as
much as the other sports watchers.

16: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain
sober enough to fight.

17: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza,
but not both, that's just greedy.

18: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about
his choice of beer.

19: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours,
except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

20: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing
i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations,
an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

21: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than
you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up
if necessary.

22: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly 'just a friend' have
carnal, drunken monkey sex. The fact that you're feeling weird and guilty
is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion
occurs about what a big mistake it was.

23: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for
her to drive yours.

24: Thou shall not buy a car in the colors of pink, lime green
or sky blue.

25: The girl who replies to the question 'What do you want for Christmas?'
with 'If you loved me, you'd know what I want!' gets an Xbox 360 End of
story.

26: There is no reason for blokes to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics.
Ever.

27: We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really
know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the
definition of each is listed below:
* 'GUTS' is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being
assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, 'are
you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?'
* 'BALLS' is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling
of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife
square on the ass and having the balls to say, 'You're next fatty!'
If it can't be fixed with duck tape it can't be fixed
There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness"
Facebook is to socialising is what masturbation is to sex

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rob565uk
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Re: joke of the day

Post by rob565uk »

61 years old but absolutely brilliant:

http://youtu.be/kTcRRaXV-fg

1 in 10 people understands binary. The other one doesn't

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Renegadenemo
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Re: joke of the day

Post by Renegadenemo »

Ha ha... wish I'd written that. It certainly makes the point very well but with one massive flaw.

The archeologists dig up the same stupid pot year in, year out without a moment's thought as to how they can make it less boring. I guess that's archaeologists for you.
I'm only a plumber from Cannock...

"As to reward, my profession is its own reward;" Sherlock Holmes.

'Sometimes you gotta be an S.O.B if you wanna make a dream reality' Mark Knopfler

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rob565uk
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Location: St Helens, Merseyside

Re: joke of the day

Post by rob565uk »

:-) :-) :-) :-)

1 in 10 people understands binary. The other one doesn't

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Dominic Owen
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Re: joke of the day

Post by Dominic Owen »

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'

Startled, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'
One by one, the penguins are stealing my sanity...

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rob565uk
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joke of the day

Post by rob565uk »

Some well-worded signs:

On a Hobgoblin Beer delivery truck
"We Deliver Mischief"


Sign over a Gynaecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."


In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."


On a Septic Tank Truck:
"Yesterday's Meals on Wheels"


At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."


On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."


On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber"


On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."


In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."


On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."



At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet -miss a car payment."


In a Vet's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"


At the Electric Company
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be delighted."


In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come in and get fed up."


In the front of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."


Written in the dirt on the back of a delivery van:
"Valeted by Stevie Wonder"

And the best one for last............

Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"

1 in 10 people understands binary. The other one doesn't

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bluebirdsback
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Re: joke of the day

Post by bluebirdsback »

my wife was complaining about me watching the world cup football, I said heres £50.00 go somewhere nice so i can watch it in peace. very kind she said but i dont think i will need £50.00.

Yes you will i said, its on for 4 weeks.
The moment you make something idiot proof a new breed of idiots will come along and prove you wrong

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rob565uk
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Re: joke of the day

Post by rob565uk »

Image

Sign in Pub, seen and appreciated whilst on holiday...

1 in 10 people understands binary. The other one doesn't

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rob565uk
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Location: St Helens, Merseyside

Re: joke of the day

Post by rob565uk »

Somebody was telling me about the French Army rifle that was being advertised on eBay the other day. The description was, 'Never shot. Dropped once’

1 in 10 people understands binary. The other one doesn't

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Piston Broke
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joke of the day

Post by Piston Broke »

Saw this Douglas Adams quote and thought of Bill


Anything that is in the world when you’re born is normal and ordinary and is just a natural part of the way the world works. Anything that’s invented between when you’re fifteen and thirty- five is new and exciting and revolutionary and you can probably get a career in it. Anything invented after you’re thirty-five is against the natural order of things.
If it can't be fixed with duck tape it can't be fixed
There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness"
Facebook is to socialising is what masturbation is to sex

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