joke of the day

Terminator
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Re: joke of the day

Post by Terminator » Tue Apr 07, 2015 9:59 pm

Excellent :D
Novie
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rob565uk
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Re: joke of the day

Post by rob565uk » Thu Jul 09, 2015 11:46 am

In Parochial School students are taught that lying is a sin. However, Instructors also advised that using a bit of imagination was OK to express the truth differently without lying. Below is a perfect example of those teachings

Getting a Hairdryer Through Customs.

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?'
'Of course child. What may I do for you?'
'Well, I bought my mother an expensive Hair Dryer for her Birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?'
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.'
'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'
When they got to Customs, she let the Priest go first.
The Official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.'
The Official thought this answer strange, so asked,
'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next please!'

1 in 10 people understands binary. The other one doesn't

polo
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Re: joke of the day

Post by polo » Fri Aug 14, 2015 6:57 pm

after every flight, pilots complete a gripe sheet which conveys to the mechanics the mechanical problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. the mechanics then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken and the pilot reviews the gripe sheet before the next flight. Here are some from Quantas in 2002 who at that time was the only major airline that had never had an accident.
P : problem logged by pilot
s: solution and action taken by engineers

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft

P: something loose in cockpit
S: something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield
S: Live bugs on back order

P: Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200fpm descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
S: Evidence removed

P: DME volume unbelievably loud
S: DME volume set to more believable level

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick
S: Thats what they're there for

P: IFF inoperative
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode

P: suspected crack in wind-shield
S: Suspect you're right

P: Number 3 engine missing
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search

P: Aircraft handles funny
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious

P: Target radar hums
S: reprogrammed target radar with words

P: mouse in cockpit
S: Cat installed

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mtskull
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Re: joke of the day

Post by mtskull » Sat Aug 15, 2015 8:02 am

If those are genuine and from QANTAS in 2002, then somebody must have invented time travel, taken them back to 1996 and showed them to me claiming that they were from the US Air Force. :?
Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goals.

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Renegadenemo
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Re: joke of the day

Post by Renegadenemo » Sat Aug 15, 2015 2:12 pm

Considering who posted them and the likelihood of them being even remotely true perhaps their original source has finally been revealed...
I'm only a plumber from Cannock...

"As to reward, my profession is its own reward;" Sherlock Holmes.

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quicksilver-wsr
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Re: joke of the day

Post by quicksilver-wsr » Sun Aug 16, 2015 3:49 pm

Not a joke in the traditional sense, but the funniest thing today was Gordon Brown making a speech. The bugger just can't stand still.

http://metro.co.uk/2015/08/16/why-the-h ... l-5345804/

At times there was nobody in-camera, as the cameraman couldn't keep pace.

Public-speaking Rule Number One: Look your audience in the eye and engage.

Still, we got a great view of London in the background.

Nigel

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rob565uk
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joke of the day

Post by rob565uk » Mon Aug 17, 2015 12:32 pm

Maybe he thinks a moving target is harder to hit!

In my view, Gordon Brown is notable for only four reasons:

1. As Chancellor, his abolition of Advanced Corporation Tax (ACT) relief hammered pension funds and wiped between £100 and £150 bn off the funds, all to fuel Labour's profligate spending

2. As Chancellor, selling off Britain's gold reserves at a knock-down price that lost us £7bn

3. Being the least effective Prime Minister this country has ever seen

4. Being the Tories' best asset in the 2010 elections by ensuring Labour failed to be re-elected

I have absolutely no time or regard for him.

1 in 10 people understands binary. The other one doesn't

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mtskull
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Re: joke of the day

Post by mtskull » Sat Aug 22, 2015 10:08 am

rob565uk wrote:Maybe he thinks a moving target is harder to hit!

In my view, Gordon Brown is notable for only four reasons:

1. As Chancellor, his abolition of Advanced Corporation Tax (ACT) relief hammered pension funds and wiped between £100 and £150 bn off the funds, all to fuel Labour's profligate spending

2. As Chancellor, selling off Britain's gold reserves at a knock-down price that lost us £7bn

3. Being the least effective Prime Minister this country has ever seen

4. Being the Tories' best asset in the 2010 elections by ensuring Labour failed to be re-elected

I have absolutely no time or regard for him.
You are entirely entitled to your view regarding subjective matters such as relative effectiveness of prime ministers, being the Tories' best asset etc. but the issues surrounding your two other examples are a little too complex to be fairly summarised in those terms.

There is a wealth of independent information and analysis about this in the public domain; as a starting point I would suggest these articles:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/blogs/thereporters ... _raid.html

http://www.ft.com/cms/s/0/5788dbac-7680 ... abdc0.html
Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goals.

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Renegadenemo
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Re: joke of the day

Post by Renegadenemo » Sat Aug 22, 2015 11:03 am

Well that one had me in stitches...
I'm only a plumber from Cannock...

"As to reward, my profession is its own reward;" Sherlock Holmes.

'Sometimes you gotta be an S.O.B if you wanna make a dream reality' Mark Knopfler

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rob565uk
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Re: joke of the day

Post by rob565uk » Sat Aug 22, 2015 11:41 am

Acutely observed as usual Mr Smith!

1 in 10 people understands binary. The other one doesn't

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