joke of the day

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klingon
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Location: Paisley Scotland

Re: joke of the day

Post by klingon »

Two Indian junkies accidentally snort curry powder and get rushed to hospital-ones in a Korma and the others got a dodgy Tikka-- :lol:
"I hate two faced people-don't know which face to punch first!"

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Piston Broke
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Re: joke of the day

Post by Piston Broke »

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson , died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles

have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.'

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson

motorcycle? '

Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'

God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise

and pollution and can't run without a road?'

Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'

God said, 'Ah, yes.'

'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention !

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds

3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust

5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!

'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'

God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.

The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

'Wel l, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'
If it can't be fixed with duck tape it can't be fixed
There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness"
Facebook is to socialising is what masturbation is to sex

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klingon
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Location: Paisley Scotland

Re: joke of the day

Post by klingon »

Drunk staggers down the street,one foot on the pavement and one foot in the gutter-a cop stops and tells him to walk on the pavement-"Thank God for that" says the drunk,"I thought I was crippled"! :P
"I hate two faced people-don't know which face to punch first!"

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rob565uk
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Location: St Helens, Merseyside

Re: joke of the day

Post by rob565uk »

A newly-married Chinese couple have just gone to bed on the first night of their honeymoon. He loves his new Wife very much and is determined the night will be one she will remember, so he asks her to tell him exactly what she would like from him that night. She looks a little coy and thinks for a while and then she says, shyly "I REALLY want to try 69". He looks a little confused and then says " You want sweet and sour chicken with fried rice at a time like this!!!!?"

1 in 10 people understands binary. The other one doesn't

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Piston Broke
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Re: joke of the day

Post by Piston Broke »

A German dwarf came to London on holiday and whilst there went to a prostitute. She thought to herself "this will be easy money, he will never manage".
Just before he started he put a large spring on each elbow and knee and then shagged her for 4 hours non stop.
She said to him breathlessly "how did you manage that for so long?"
He replied "its my foursprung dwarftechnique"
If it can't be fixed with duck tape it can't be fixed
There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness"
Facebook is to socialising is what masturbation is to sex

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bluebirdsback
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Re: joke of the day

Post by bluebirdsback »

Can we have less of these dwarf and midget jokes please. Some of us do have feelings you know. Thought my girl itsawrap would have stepped in before now in my defence.
The moment you make something idiot proof a new breed of idiots will come along and prove you wrong

orgster1

Re: joke of the day

Post by orgster1 »

Ok I won't bother telling of the time i was sitting in my car at the traffic lights and another car hit me from behind, and as we both got out i noticed the guy who had hit me was a dwarf who came up to me with a very bad attitude and said "I am not happy at all" to which i replied OK which one are you then?

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bluebirdsback
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Re: joke of the day

Post by bluebirdsback »

Two Geordies walking through the jungle when they hear a beating sound.
Are them war drums one asked.
No i think its thiers said the other
The moment you make something idiot proof a new breed of idiots will come along and prove you wrong

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Renegadenemo
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Re: joke of the day

Post by Renegadenemo »

For those who didn't get it, the word 'our' is pronounced 'wor' in Geordie...

Two geordie donkeys in a rowing boat and one says, ye-oar... the other says, na, ye-oar...

Work that one out!
I'm only a plumber from Cannock...

"As to reward, my profession is its own reward;" Sherlock Holmes.

'Sometimes you gotta be an S.O.B if you wanna make a dream reality' Mark Knopfler

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Piston Broke
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Re: joke of the day

Post by Piston Broke »

The Best Salesmen Are Geordies


Geordie moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a sales job.

Mohamed Al Fayed was doing the interviews and asked Geordie whether he had any sales experience?”

Well I was a canny salesman back in Newcastle, but the firm closed down so I thought I’d try me luck in London”. After a few more questions Mr Al Fayed decided he liked Geordie and gave him the job.

On Geordies first day on the job he managed to only sell to one customer and after the store was locked up, Al Fayed came down and asked “OK, Geordie how many sales did you make today?”

Geordie said ” I just selt to the one person Man”. Al Fayed groaned and exclaimed, “Just one, our sales people average of 20 sales a day, I thought you said you were good? How much was the total sale?

” Wey aboot 120 thousand pound” replied Geordie … Al Fayed nearly choked and exclaimed “£120,000 !! what the hell did you sell him?”

“Well said Geordie, forstly I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was gannin to go’ fishing and he said well probably doon at the coast, so I took a chance and told him he would be best off fishing on a boat and took him doon to the boat department where I sold him a twin-engine Power Cat. He said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him doon to the car sales room and persuaded him to trade it in for a 4 x 4 ”.

An even more incredulous Al Fayed said “You mean to tell me…. a customer came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a fish hook, a fishing rod, a boat and a 4×4?

“Why nah man Mr Al Fayed……he actually came in here to buy a box of tampons for his girlfriend, so I said … Well, since your weekend’s up the spout, you might as well gan fishin like”
If it can't be fixed with duck tape it can't be fixed
There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness"
Facebook is to socialising is what masturbation is to sex

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