joke of the day

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bluebirdsback
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Re: joke of the day

Post by bluebirdsback » Mon Sep 27, 2010 9:16 pm

Geordie takes his son Tommy to a posh public school, and tells the headmaster, "Ah want wor Tommy te talk posh an all that marra, Ah divnt want him grawing up like me.
That will be noo problem at all said the head in a posh plummy voice,Leave him to us
at the end of term Geordie went back to the head and asked how Tommy was coming on.

Divnt ye talk te me aboot yooah Tommy said the head.
The moment you make something idiot proof a new breed of idiots will come along and prove you wrong

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klingon
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Re: joke of the day

Post by klingon » Mon Sep 27, 2010 11:26 pm

Just to get off the Geordie theme-Glasgow joke-two women in the cake shop looking at the display-"Is that a cake or a Meringue?"-answer came-"Naw yer right-it's a cake!"- :?
(Use Billy Connolly mode when pronouncing meringue)
"I hate two faced people-don't know which face to punch first!"

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bluebirdsback
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Re: joke of the day

Post by bluebirdsback » Mon Sep 27, 2010 11:32 pm

Q. What do blackpool donkeys get for dinner.

A. Half an hour same as me
The moment you make something idiot proof a new breed of idiots will come along and prove you wrong

Jordangbr
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Re: joke of the day

Post by Jordangbr » Mon Sep 27, 2010 11:32 pm

How do you distract a fat lass?
Piece of cake!
Bangers!
You must have known I was coming!

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Piston Broke
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Re: joke of the day

Post by Piston Broke » Tue Sep 28, 2010 7:12 am

One for our little Mackem Mate

A blind Geordie enters a Mackem pub by mistake. He finds his way to the bar and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the landlord: "Hey, you wanna hear a joke about the Mackems?"

The pub falls absolutely silent.
The lad next to him says: "Before yer tell us yer joke, there's a few things yer shud knaa:
1 - The landlord is a Mackem.
2 - The booncer is a Mackem.
3 - I'm a 6ft 6in taall, 220-poond Mackem with a black belt in kerartee.
4 - The lad sitting next to us is a Mackem, and is a pro weightlifta.
5 - The lad to your reet is a Mackem, and is a pro wrestla.
Noo, think aboot it seriously, marra. Do you still wanna tell yer Mackem joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares:

Nah...not if Ah'm gonna have to explain it five times
If it can't be fixed with duck tape it can't be fixed
There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness"
Facebook is to socialising is what masturbation is to sex

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rob565uk
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Location: St Helens, Merseyside

0 to 200 in six seconds

Post by rob565uk » Tue Sep 28, 2010 9:56 pm

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her dressing gown and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

1 in 10 people understands binary. The other one doesn't

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bluebirdsback
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Re: joke of the day

Post by bluebirdsback » Tue Sep 28, 2010 10:21 pm

Meeting in Morrisons for coffee sounds ok, however proving my sex godliness may result in us both being barred from the cafe and indeed the entire store. Unless you mean the one at Cramlington they get allsorts in there.
Where did you get that picture of me from by the way? Hold on a bit... no the nose is a bit big to be me but he is very close.
Scruffy bugger needs a shave too.

See you in Morrisons, and i will pay for the breakfasts, how romantic is that?

Love Studmuffin xx
The moment you make something idiot proof a new breed of idiots will come along and prove you wrong

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bluebirdsback
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Re: joke of the day

Post by bluebirdsback » Wed Sep 29, 2010 10:23 pm

Aahh sweet thing,I would like nothing better than to share a breakfast with you,.But alas i know not what you look like, and Morrisons can be a busy place, Especialy on giro day when the ner do wells are spending my tax money on tabs and scratch cards.

I KNOW. How about you pm me some of those saucy pics you mention on pic of the day. Purely for recognition purposes of course.

Right where did i put them tissues. Er. I think i might have a cold coming on :oops:

Your ever loving.. Studmuffin. xx
The moment you make something idiot proof a new breed of idiots will come along and prove you wrong

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bluebirdsback
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Re: joke of the day

Post by bluebirdsback » Wed Sep 29, 2010 10:34 pm

That reminds me of this one.

Old Paddy at the airport waiting.

Another person waiting asks if he is meeting someone

Yes said old Paddy, my brother Murphy. We havnt seen each other in 70 years.
Will you recognize him after all this time?
No said paddy but he should recognize me.
How do you work that out ? asked the man
Well said Paddy ive never been away
The moment you make something idiot proof a new breed of idiots will come along and prove you wrong

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klingon
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Re: joke of the day

Post by klingon » Wed Sep 29, 2010 11:54 pm

itsawrap wrote:Rob.....im hoping you look like this man!! phoooaaarrrrr!!!!!


http://vpqv.net/wp-content/uploads/2009 ... uth001.jpg

We all look like that in Paisley!-(Gerry Butler lived up the street from us)-Schpaaaaartaaaans! :lol:
"I hate two faced people-don't know which face to punch first!"

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