joke of the day

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Piston Broke
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Re: joke of the day

Post by Piston Broke » Thu Sep 23, 2010 7:09 am

Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, "It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."

Babe Ruth
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."

Lyndon B. Johnson
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"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."

Paul Horning
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"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case.. Coincidence? I think not."

H. L. Mencken
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"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"

George Bernard Shaw
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"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."

Benjamin Franklin
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"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."

Dave Barry
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BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.!

W. C. Fields
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Remember "I" before "E," except in Budweiser.

Professor Irwin Corey
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To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group Salvation in a can!

Leo Durocher
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A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members! ; In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers
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Piston Broke
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Re: joke of the day

Post by Piston Broke » Thu Sep 23, 2010 7:17 am

Not many people know of this interesting fact!

In 1872 the Welsh invented the condom, using a sheep's bladder.

In 1873 the English somewhat refined the idea by taking the bladder out of the sheep first.
If it can't be fixed with duck tape it can't be fixed
There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness"
Facebook is to socialising is what masturbation is to sex

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Renegadenemo
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Re: joke of the day

Post by Renegadenemo » Thu Sep 23, 2010 9:13 am

Two blokes in Heaven's waiting room...

"What'd you die of?" One asked.

"Hypothermia."

"Ugh, sounds bad."

"Nah, it's OK after the shivering stops. You feel all warm and sleepy then just drift off. What about you?"

"Heart attack," says the other bloke. "Was sure the wife was seeing someone so I came home in the middle of the day. Sure enough, there's the car outside and when I surprised her in the bedroom she's naked in there alone but he's nowhere to be found so I ran all over the house searching for him until I felt a terrible burning in my chest. Next I know I'm in here..."

"Should've looked in the freezer," says the other guy. "We'd've both been OK then..."
I'm only a plumber from Cannock...

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James Von Jetpump
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Re: joke of the day

Post by James Von Jetpump » Thu Sep 23, 2010 11:26 am

I've resisted up to now - but as they are now getting down to my level - I'm going to hell - but this makes me laugh every time ...
:mrgreen:
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jonwrightk7
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Re: joke of the day

Post by jonwrightk7 » Thu Sep 23, 2010 7:51 pm

"an alcoholic is someone you dont like who drinks just as much as you do" ;) Dylan Thomas
The world is full of Kings and Queens; who blind your eyes, then steal your dreams..

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bluebirdsback
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Re: joke of the day

Post by bluebirdsback » Thu Sep 23, 2010 9:46 pm

Met a friend as he was helping his wife into the car. Off somewhere nice? i asked.

No he replied, I'm taking my wife to hospital, i dont like the look of her.

Hang about till i fetch mine then. I cant stand the site off her.
The moment you make something idiot proof a new breed of idiots will come along and prove you wrong

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klingon
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Re: joke of the day

Post by klingon » Fri Sep 24, 2010 2:27 am

Guy walks into the doctors surgery-"Doc I've come to see you about my wife"-"What's wrong with her" says the doc-"She makes me sick"!-says the guy-
"I hate two faced people-don't know which face to punch first!"

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klingon
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Re: joke of the day

Post by klingon » Fri Sep 24, 2010 2:28 am

Hear about the guy who couldn't tell Stork from putty?-his windows fell out--
"I hate two faced people-don't know which face to punch first!"

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klingon
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Re: joke of the day

Post by klingon » Fri Sep 24, 2010 2:30 am

Leper got thrown out of the leper colony- he was dipping his bread in his pals head :shock:
"I hate two faced people-don't know which face to punch first!"

Jordangbr
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Re: joke of the day

Post by Jordangbr » Fri Sep 24, 2010 7:26 am

Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice?
Because it said 'concentrate'.
Bangers!
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